Take a deep breath. Whether you’re worried, scared, or excited – whatever feelings you have right now are perfectly legitimate. It is, after all, a time of emotional turmoil and massive change. You might even feel like you are losing your partner, and that’s understandable. It’s important to give yourself time to process all of your feelings so you can communicate them to your partner in a way that isn’t charged with anger or fear. Your partner will need the space, too.
There isn’t a right or wrong reaction. The fact that you’re here right now, reading this, shows that you are concerned and willing to embrace their identity, or at least reach a common understanding. While there is no obligation for you to become a flag-waving, parade-marching ally straight off the bat, this is the time for both of you to learn from each other and discover new things about yourselves (yes, this is about you, too!). Building this solid foundation will help you both decide what’s best for your relationship.
Every relationship, queer or not, has its own dynamics, but as a partner to someone who is transitioning, your role is the most important in their life. You have the potential to be their greatest ally. You have the deepest, most intimate understanding of this person that you love. You are a huge part of their wellbeing, hopes, and future.
Your partner’s choice to tell you of their desire to transition comes from a place of trust and security. It took a lot of self-reflection, denial, and finally, acceptance, to get to this place. They want to be their most genuine self with you. They don’t want to lose you, but they also want you to be happy, however that happiness may take shape down the road.
As the transitioning partner, these are some of the thoughts I carried around for some time before I told my then partner of my decision to start hormone therapy.
She’s never dated a trans person. This country is a terrible place for trans folks, and I don’t want to put her in a position where she has to constantly defend me, or explain my transness to others in social situations. I don’t want to endanger her.
What if she doesn’t like my body? What if she doesn’t want to touch me? Will cuddles and sexytime become awkward?
Will the stress be too much for her? I don’t want to lose her.
How will she tell her parents?
Should we just run away to another country? Should I just look up jobs overseas right now?
What if she gets upset and hates me?
Will she think I’m being selfish?
It’s a new experience for both parties. No one is an expert at transitioning. After both of you have had time to process your thoughts and emotions, find a quiet space to have “the talk”. Honest and open communication, no matter how uncomfortable it may get, is crucial. List down your thoughts beforehand if that helps. You’ll be surprised to find that a lot of your concerns will match.
These are some of the questions you might be asking yourself:
What if I’m not sexually attracted to them anymore?
As your partner begins their transition, you’ll learn more about yourself and your own needs in this area. It’s not weird at all to find yourself questioning your own sexuality.
What you should do is tell your partner if you’re not attracted to their gender. What you shouldn’t do is feel obligated to stay if it doesn’t feel right. Both of you need to be fulfilled in this relationship. As the Malay adage goes, clapping with one hand makes no sound.
If you identify as a lesbian, and your partner is transitioning to male, it’s not transphobic to say you aren’t attracted to them anymore. In fact, you’re acknowledging them. On the flip side, maybe you will find them attractive, effectively shifting your position along the spectrum. Interestingly, some trans folks find a shift in their own preferences after they begin transitioning, so the question actually applies to both of you. And as bodies change, how we feel about them in intimate situations will change, too.
How do I handle social situations?
It’s completely normal to feel a little stressed and anxious about this, even a little fearful. There’s always a possibility that others will react negatively. Social transitioning is often the most difficult part of the journey, so your partner is likely to feel the same way. They’re probably worried about you, too.
It takes a lot of patience, but remember, you’re in this together – a unit. You can ease others into using the right name and pronouns by using them first yourself, in a safe space, of course. Some might get the hang of it immediately, while others might take one or two soft nudges before they get it. My partner’s support was invaluable to me during the early days. Without her smiley, gentle reminders to repeatedly “forgetful” folks and very open affirmations of my gender identity, I don’t know how I could have made it through.
Most folks will be super curious. Be prepared for a lot of questions by doing a little research in transitioning and SOGIESC, but don’t sound like you’ve memorised an entire research paper. Remember, most people have never met an openly trans person, so your partner may be the first.
For family gatherings, ask your partner how they feel about you using their name and pronouns. It will take time and lots of juggling between safe and not so safe spaces before the name and pronouns thing becomes consistent. It helps to check in with each other on how you feel that particular day. Their confidence level can fluctuate because social transitioning is nerve-wracking. Imagine having to face it every day in every social situation. There were plenty of times when I felt like I just wanted to run away from it all. Even today, I still have to face this situation, eight years after beginning my transition. But it does get easier once you have a core support group of friends and family.
How do I handle the negative reactions?
This calls for a little risk assessment on your part. Like I mentioned before, most folks have never met an openly trans person, or even a queer person, so their questions and reactions may seem offensive at first. Use your judgement to determine where this person is coming from.
My partner got reactions that ranged from excitement to anger. She fielded questions like, “How do you have sex?” and “Does (deadname) have a penis now?” and statements like, “That’s not right! I don’t accept this!”
Once, she was asked by a colleague, “Is that a boy?” She laughed and said, “Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s a boy. That’s my boyfriend.” If the girlfriend says it’s a boy, it must be a boy. Most folks just need the assurance of seeing others do it first.
For the outright negative reactions, you can ask why they feel that way and really listen to what they have to say. Offer yours in exchange, and gently correct any misconceptions. Even if they don’t accept it right away, it will give them something to think about when they go home. It’s not surprising that so many cis-gendered straight folks are truly unaware of how tough even daily life can be for us trans folks.
What we noticed was that some of the negative reactions came from a place of pure confusion (and ignorance) as they could not match this person in front of them, their friend, with the anti-LGBTQ stuff they were fed their whole lives. How could I possibly be associated with this mysterious underground network of nation destroyers?
It’s really up to you both to determine if someone is worth keeping in your life. The soft approach may work for some, and the more hesitant ones will eventually come around, but others may be too set in their ways. They may refuse to understand that it doesn’t affect them at all. In some of our languages, we don’t use he/she at all, so there’s no action needed there. And nicknames are quite widely used instead of legal names, so there’s really no extra homework required to start using another name.
What about all the legal stuff? Trans folks aren’t recognised in my country!
Are you willing to put in the work and take the risk to fight for your partner’s right to exist? If the answer is yes, find out how you can help by connecting with your local queer community. If both of you are comfortable with this, it can definitely be a bonding activity. Regardless of whether or not you want to be an outspoken advocate for queer rights, it always helps to have a supportive community who will run to your aid if your partner ever finds themself in trouble with the law. Read up on legal stuff, and know your rights.
I’m trying so hard, but what if I can’t handle the stress of all this change?
That’s why it’s important to always keep an open line of communication, in any relationship. All the stress can really distract from the main thing – your relationship.
Both of you can take a break from reciting SOGIESC for a while to spend quality time together. This time can be used to reflect on how far you’ve come and to express your appreciation for each other as individuals, not as gendered beings. Make your relationship a priority.
If you need space, tell your partner. It might even be what’s best for both of you to clear your heads. Being in a relationship isn’t all picnics and rainbows. It takes commitment, respect, and of course, love. You could read 50 articles on relationships, but it all comes down to you and your partner.
These are some links to articles from our peers that you might find helpful in case you haven’t read 50 articles yet:
https://www.transhub.org.au/allies/partners
https://www.transgenderpartners.com/
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/my-partner-is-transitioning/
